| Card player of the year awards (LONG)
Hi all, here's a report from the recent Card Player magazine awards banquet. It's from the email newsletter put out by "Roy Rounder." [I won't post his newsletter address, but PM if you're interested.]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You'll really get a kick out of this...
A couple weeks ago I attended the first-ever "Card Player Of The Year" awards show. It was hosted at Hollywood's Music Box Theatre in Los Angeles.
The theme of the night was to be like the "Oscars" of poker.
They presented awards like "Best Cash Game Player" (Chip Reese), "Most Feared Player" (Phil Ivey), "Best Female Player" (Jennifer Harman), and "Player Of The Year" (Men Nguyen).
All the "big name" pros were there... from Doyle Brunson to Daniel Negreanu.
I applaud Barry Shulman-- Chairman of Card Player-- for being such a visionary in this poker industry and putting the event together.
Bodog sponsored the night, and let me tell you: They sure know how to throw a hell of a party!
Besides the red carpet treatment and open bar, Don Felder (from the Eagles) and Gilby Clark (from Guns N' Roses) performed. And of course...
The gorgeous BODOG GIRLS were there! *cough *cough
While the Bodog girls would NORMALLY have been my favorite part of the night, there was actually something EVEN
BETTER... and that was the stand-up performance by emcee Brad Garrett.
Brad Garrett is the guy from "Everybody Loves Raymond"... he plays Ray's brother (the big tall one with the deep voice).
Anyway, he is FREAKING HILARIOUS. I honestly don't know if I've ever laughed so hard in my entire LIFE!
He completely busted on all the professional poker players in the audience. It was ruthless. Below are some of the jokes I remember.
GET READY TO LAUGH!
(Disclaimer: Please don't read on if you have sensitive ears. Remember that these aren't MY jokes... I'm just recounting what I heard at the awards show!)
*** JOKES TOLD BY BRAD GARRETT ***
Right away Garrett started ripping on Phil Hellmuth:
"We've got Phil Hellmuth in the house tonight... No one told me that, I just know because I heard WHINING as I came in."
"Next year we're actually gonna have the award show OUTSIDE, that way Phil can bring his ego..."
LOL.
Then it was on to Mike "The Mouth" Matusow...
"Mike Matusow is also here tonight. Hey Mike, where you at? Oh wow... I'm surprised you can raise your hand with those cuffs on!"
"Mike Matusow is nominated for an award tonight, which proves Darwin didn't know s**t!"
Later, Matusow presented the award for "Best Poker Ambassador". Here's what Brad Garrett had to say about that:
"Having Mike Matusow present the award for Best Poker Ambassador is like having **** Cheney present an award for marksmanship."
Then it REALLY got bad...
"Jennifer Tilly is shacking up with Phil Laak, the Unabomber. Jennifer told me backstage that "Unabomber" is code for one testicle-- and apparently she's having a ball."
"I love watching Jennifer Tilly on that celebrity poker TV show... people, those aren't nipples. Those are triples!"
"Jennifer has the best rack in all of poker-- Wait, I take that back. She has the second best rack in all of poker. The best belongs to GREG RAYMER!"
(OUCH)
"When Greg Raymer says "all-in", it's at the buffet table."
"Greg, you seem like a really nice guy, and you won a couple million dollars last year... now try eating a f***in salad!"
Garrett had plenty of one-liners for others in the audience too:
"Amir Vahedi, I haven't seen him since flight school..."
After the break:
"Welcome back ladies and gentlemen. The theater wants me to remind everyone that there's no smoking inside. Amir, please put out your shoe."
To Doyle Brunson and his son Todd:
"Hey Doyle, the Civil War called, they found your journals."
"Todd Brunson skipped the clan meeting to be here."
When speaking to Daniel Negreanu: "Don't worry Daniel, I'm sure your nuts will drop soon."
To Scotty Nguyen: "Please Scotty, have a sandwich. You look like my X-ray."
And last but not least, Garrett cracked on Barry "Robin Hood" Greenstein. Here's what he said:
"Barry Greenstein gives all his winnings to charity... of course, Charity happens to be a STRIPPER who works the late shift at Spearmint Rhino. If you hurry Barry, you can catch her after the show!"
***
OH LORD it was damn funny! Even as I write this I'm cracking up again.
Whew, what a night.
If you ever get a chance to attend something like this, I HIGHLY recommend it.
Often times the casinos will give away tickets and full-paid packages to major poker events like this... as prizes in their tournaments.
Next time I come across something I'll be sure to email you about it.
Anyway, hope you enjoyed the Brad Garrett jokes as much as I did!
Talk to you soon.
Your Friend,
Roy Rounder
 | 
Linear Mode
