[hod]

I had the misfortune to experience this awful tournament a couple of months back. I don't ever really go to casinos, we play home games and for all of the players (myself included) it's not about the money - it's primarily a social event, nevertheless one we all try and win. Our buy-ins are usually £5-20 depending how flush we feel.

However, I felt like I wanted to at least try a live casino tournament, so me and a friend, Donk, decided we'd try it. This full text, taken from the email I sent the rest of our players, tells the whole sorry tale. It's probably worth noting that this is riddled with words that most of the UK don't know the meaning of, never mind the rest of the English speaking world - please ask and I shall attempt to enlighten you if you are in doubt. I'd also point out that I'm employed by the 'polis' in Edinburgh...



Having been genuinely looking forward to it for some time, we fired along to the Stanley Casino at Shandwick Place. Had a pint at the bar before registering between 7-730. The first clue that all was not Vegas-like was the 45 year old glue sniffer that was running the poker tourney. He would have looked more at home in BK mopping the floors, and that might have been pushing him. He had a list where he'd put your names down, and took your money (£30 a skull). No notice or info re prizes, structure etc. More of that later. He also has one of those cool casino trolleys with all the chips etc on it, everything you needed to run a tournament. Oh wait. NO HE FECKIN NEVER. He had a feckin plastic Bucket from B & Q with chips in wee bags. Nice chips though. Actually, NO, THEY WEREN'T, they were just cheap composite plastic chips that once said stanley casino on them and a value, but no longer. So you had to tilt them under a light to see the mark where the value once was, or work it out from the other players. Donk spent the first 2 hands doing this till he got it sussed.

So come 8 o'clock we head down from the (comparitively) luxurious main room to the slum downstairs. The 5 tables of varying styles are, honestly, crud. Old, shoogly, and not as good as mine or Donk's home made ones. Some are just tops balanced on wee tables that keep tipping. All are manky and look like the previous night had hosted monkey spanking. However, we find the list and our places at the tables. 45 players in all, 5 tables of 9.

I note rather quickly that the players are about 20% decent folk and 80% jake-balls, of varying ages. Not too comfortable. Did anyone recognise me? Don't know, but I've committed a few faces to memory. Bizarrely, the group also contains 3 old women. 1 is at least 75. I'm surprised she's feckin alive, never mind out playing poker with a cross-section of Edinburgh's finest scrotes. 2 others are obviously of fine scum heritage and aren't really out of place when they open their toothless, rotten mouths.

So I sit down, happily my table has few degenerates. First guys says "cut for dealing?" Fair enough, see who has the dealer button first. NOPE. There's no dealers, therefore you are actually cutting to see who is dealing. What the Feck???!?!? What sort of a half assed, monkey run casino is this? No dealers??? Turns out a few can feckin deal too, which saved me and donk from embarrassing ourselves.

They gave you 2500 worth of chips, then another 2500 when you wanted them. We can't work out why they dic-ked about doing this, when you can just have 5k at the start. So on it plods, or rather, rockets, because the blinds are doubling really, really, fast. This makes the game more about luck, and probably to get you upstairs and playing games where the casino has the edge. Paps.

The players gradually get whittled down, people move tables etc and the glue sniffer shouts out new blinds levels in his best guffie accent. My table (who are obviously all regulars) decide he is a c0ck (fair comment, but those with glass houses and all that) and play their own blinds schedule. This works much better, however everyone else is dropping like flies at other tables due to the blinds shooting up. Donk finishes about 930, not sure what place. 2 young guys with ipods and glasses at my table spend most of the evening being verbally abused by the other jobseekers beside us. Eventually I bust out in 11th place. Disappointed to miss out on cash? Not really because apparently only top 3 are paid. Jokers.

At this stage Donk (who has been hanging about drinking beer and reading poker magzines with his new, also unlucky, friend) and I leave, and go for a pint or 2. Very, very odd.

So. We ain't going back. Not there anyway. Unprofessional, undesirables...

On a side note, as we left a few folk who had been knocked out started a cash game for more money than I have ever seen wagered in my life.

So here's to the next poker night. IN SOMEONE'S HOUSE, WITH LESS CHANCE OF BEING STABBED/CATCHING SOME DISEASE.

[smoore]

Originally Posted by hod

All are manky and look like the previous night had hosted monkey spanking

bahahaha! This is as far as I've gotten in the story and I already want to make that sentence my signature. I don't know the definitions of "manky" or "monkey spanking" but I'm picking up what you're putting down.

edit: cop, huh? I see there is no lack of "us vs. them" mentality on that side of the pond either.